a little truth about myself

People says blogging a.k.a writing is the best way to kill the stress rather than go to the therapist which it only can make your wallet go thinner and it does not guarantee that you 'll be free from stress after the session end plus by blogging you can assure that you really let it go which mean you can say or type what ever you want to without any hesitation.So.....here we go........

My current job is killing me, when i said "killing me" I mean emotionally and mentally, I woke up every morning with laziness and try to think 1001 excuses why i shouldn't go to the office that day, the proud moment is when I still managed to arrived in the office punctually without fail..... the excitement just wasn't there anymore, was thinking to find a new job though or travelling somewhere for a couple of month and think what are the thing that i really wants to do at this age .........

End of part I

I haven''t contact my family since my last visit in April/May this year, the reason is i felt like i am not really important to them when couple of events occurred which reflect to the statement that i just made, am I too sensitive ? I guess ...

Raised by a single parent (my mum) and without dad it's kinda reflecting my personality and shaping what a person I am today, it's so sad to think that people may look at me as a independent and strong from the outside but my inner soul is very fragile and broken?I'm not sure if  "broken" is the right word but at this very moment its the only word that i can think of to describe how i feel, ( I bet I couldn't say that to the therapist...) relations with my family members not that close as the structure of the of the family hierarchy it-self was totally not as what it should be when I'm growing up, for an instant my 2nd brother is acting like a father (the grumpy one)  instead of just being a brother and it resulting me keep a distance from him when i'm grow older...

I hate my dad for no reasons, and I just realized it today in the metro on my way back from work and it's too late now as he passed away 10 years ago... I have to admit that he stopped visiting me as I grow up , left me without a father who i can look up too and to protect me me when i was bullied by other kids who is bigger than me...but that give me no excuses to hate at him.......

End of part II

current update

Wow !! it has been quite sometime since the last time i wrote in this blog...huge amount of events had happened to me when I'm not around (blogging) such as, i did an Europe trip with one of my childhood friends which ended up we are currently not talking to each other...Yup!! travelling with a companion is always challenging especially when you have a different perspective on the sexual trip kind of thing, you know what i mean..i'm gay and his not hence the challenges is always there.. and B. I'm currently dating a guy!!! can you believe it!!? met in GRINDR (yup!! i registered my self on the apps, not bad though...) he's from South Africa, my type (physically..chubby) he's very quite and other then car nothing interest him so basically out normal conversation when we go out.................well you can guess what...

he's into water sport ( not kayaking nor speed boat. if you guess surf boarding or jet skiing go back to the first paragraph  2nd last sentence ....to make your life easier Google it if you not familiar with the terms) and feasting which is totally new for a vanilla boy like me!! ( i still haven't try both thing when this entry was written) the good thing is he's still compromising with me in his way of sexual life but somehow, somewhere, someday I still need to try it (that's what he told me) quite in dilemma, he's not really kind of guy I would date or having a relation with it was at first more into "let's try" kind of thing

1. Because I'm in Dubai and to find a date here is horrible

2. at that time it has been a looooooooooooooooooong time since my last sex

and C.  let put this way, im desperate and lonely ( auwww poor me)

so yeah!! after 2 months we still going out and I still go to his place just to get what most people called it as a "guilty pleasure" moment !!! ohhhh did i tell you guys he's not is really into kissing!!!? (do the math!!)

I just want.......

I fully blame on the hollywood, you kow how they made a movie that always end up with "happily ever after" kind of thing..it make me belief that the same thing could  happen in the real world...the fact is, it isn't...real life is more ... complicated i would say. I've been travelled to few places ..singapore, thailand, new zealand, doha, switzerland, dubai  for the sake to find "the one" but you all can guess how it end up...well im still single at the age of 32 (going to be 33 soon) and i have no idea what else could i do to have a guy that i can call a partner cum best friend cum bf cum significant others cum what ever you want to call it...  Life at the moment for me is half empty... i was on my way to the office this morning and i saw a couple infront of me was holding hands while walking side by side and how they enjoy simple thing together, im kinda jelous and questioning my self why can i have tht kind of life..?where did i do wrong..? I just want to be able share my happiness or my lowest moment with someone and will do the same thing too for them...it hurt me when coming home from the office and you couldn't share a damn thing with someone special because you don't have anyone SPECIAL!!! (oh yes im shouting now) especially when you have a rough day and a cuddle can release all the stress neutralize you mood back..isn't it just awesome to have "the moment"  My wish for 2013 is ..... The same wish that had in 2012......2011........2010......2009....... To find my "one" 

It sucks to be me right now

Got a promotion last year (December) as a Administrator-client relation, and I didn't like the job..it need me to be multitask and also i have to do a precurement...double hate the job!! I start to go back home late..coming to the office early...even going to the office on weekend... I have no idea why i accepted the promotion.. The money is good but it's not everything (eventually i realise it), I just want my free time back, where I can chill out with my friends or having my own time reading new #1 books in market ( by the way 50 shades of grey superb and the other 2 is suck!!) tomorrow i have to go to the office to figure out how can I complete the monthly report which to be honest i have no idea how to do it :( hopefully by looking back at previous month report I'll have at least some idea how to do it, otherwise I just let my faith this sunday in the hand of God ( yup! Here in Dubai, the first day of the week is Sunday)  I am now considering to quit my job and travel somewhere with a really budget expenses with hope to find "the one" but on the other hand I don't want to be a quiter, at least let me try for another couple of months first..then we'll see from there..after all a calm sea never made a skillful sailor, aye? 

Little bit here and there

Bali never happened, don’t ask as I’m hate thinking about it…….

It’s funny that I am still late coming to the office; I left the house 5 minutes early than usual but still am late? And the Metro was full it is so unusual; perhaps the population in Dubai has been increase while I was on a month vacation?  Is that weird?  Well at least there a few good looking guy in the Metro this morning it just that my radar couldn't detect the “same type” as me.

I was on 2 days sick leaves after returned back to Dubai, I back to the office for a day and the next day I fell sick, cold fever, runny nose and sore throat thought I were okay after that, and this week after the weekends I fell sick again and the doctor gave me another 2 days off… it was a boring sick off days for me.. no one to take care of me .. Isn't it sad? But I don’t care, I don’t want to be mellow and gloomy about that.. I’m considering myself as a self-governing type of person so I took care of myself, there you go.

This morning I received a messages on whatsapps it’s from a guy that I met 4 years ago, he’s a Germans , it’s quite a surprised since we never really keep in touch after the first encounter where we end-up in his bed room , this what he wrote “Hi… Maybe we can meet in the next few days? Cheers” and how silly I am when I replied “I’m in Malaysia now and will be back tomorrow” why on earth I wrote that? Anyway as I don’t really give a damn about anything that got to do with “Gay Scenario” now, thus I’ll just go with the flow..  

Sometimes giving a less hope of something is way better then flying so high and end up crashing on the ground which is there are 2 possibilities either you hurt so bad or you end up 6ft below .. 

I'm going to Bali!!

Miracle works on mysterious way!! It just happened that the relationship between Michael and that Indonesian boy didn’t work out. How I know? Michael has been whatsapp me for the past 1 week telling me how the boy wants to go back to his ex, how self-fish is that? (well at least it's a good sign for me. why? read the whole story!!) I soon to found out that when I told Michael about my relationship with Tony, he was so upset and disappointed and that’s lead him to have a relationship with the Indonesian Boy, how I know again? Well he told me, Michael told me.  So since both of us not in any relationship with anyone I ask him If he wants to give US a try again and he said why not and for that I’ll be flying to Bali this October to see Michael. And of course he has to extend his stay in Bali now.

I’m a very look forward for my vacation to Bali this coming October. Hopefully everything will work just the way both of us wanted.

Bali here I come!!! 

This is not fair!!

I had a weird dream last night.. I dream I’m in Bali with Michael and with his new partner (the boy from Surabaya) the best part is Michael has more hair then in a real life and he look cuter ..auwwwwww…..

I don’t know is it because I miss him or because I MISS HIM? Hmmmm doesn’t make any difference isn’t it….? Actually yesterday I was so horny the whole day and went through the entire gay group in FB to find if any of the members have they phone number left in the comments and I managed to find TWO!!! Lol I have no idea what was in me last night I act totally like a DESPERADO ….. but can assure that will be the last time I did some silly act!! No more after this..

To be in the metro every weekday in the morning with very good looking guys in suit doesn’t help me at all and it include for today as well , a middle age men was standing next to me in the metro this morning and his smell was so YUMMY and he got a very fluffy fingers … ahhh whatever that means … was trying to smile at him but it seems he’s very busy looking at other female passenger.. okay that’s the sign that he’s straight ..move forward!!

Isn’t my life is so difficult!!? be surrounded with good looking guys every day but being HERE I only manage to see but not touch!!!  So disappointed..Can anyone HELP me!!!!!

p/s: even the taxi drivers !! they are so HOT!!!